Update on me

I am due to see the Obgyn this week.  I am still having a little bit of bleeding, but overall it seems to be receding.  This appointment is supposed to be somewhat of a “preconception” appointment.  So, I’ve been reading up on what to expect.  Lots of questions and warnings and worries.  It seems to me that its one of those things where if you can withstand the barrage of bad possibilities, then you have the metal to withstand the pregnancy itself.  Its like those instructors who spend the whole first class talking about how hard the class is, how many Fs they give, and how they should get out while they can in order to get people to drop.  It is supposed to be a couples appointment, but my husband’s uncle is gravely ill, so he is with his parents helping out and I’m on my own.  I’m not sure if the Dr. will go through with the appointment with just me or if I’ll have to reschedule, but I guess I will see. 

I’ll let you know how it goes and what was said!

New book – Ready: Why women are embracing the new later motherhood

Last month, salon.com’s Broadsheet, there was a short article, “Would you like some Geritol with that baby formula?” which reviewed the book, Ready: Why women are embracing the new later motherhood by Elizabeth Gregory.  The review did not really focus on the book itself, but more the underlying message.  Although the title is a little disconcerting (hopefully being 40 doesn’t make me geriatric), but I understand the basic idea.  Most of the comments seemed to fall in line with the book’s author, arguing that later motherhood works out to be a-okay for most.  A good message to hear after reading all the depressing “warnings” and “worries” of later-in-life motherhood.  I think that the old saying “there is no good time for a baby” is pretty true.  There are costs and benefits to early pregnancy, pregnancy in the late 20s and early 30s, and pregnancy in later life.  I can’t imagine what I would have done had I had a baby in my 20s, but I’m sure I would have figured something out.  In all truth, I can’t imagine what I’m going to do having a baby at 40, but again, I will figure something out. 

I did order the book from Amazon, but it is on pre-order, so it won’t be out until late December/early January.  But, I promise to do a review on this blog when it arrives!

Giving thanks…

Although this month has obviously been tough, I have many things for which to be thankful.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the US and I thought I would get my thanks out a little early (in case I decide to “take a holiday” tomorrow and not blog).  So, here are a few of the many things for which I am thankful:

1) My health.  When I think about how lucky I’ve been throughout my life with health, I have to be thankful.  I only hope it continues well into the future.

2) My family.  My husband, my parents, my siblings, my cats.  They will all be here tomorrow (along with a couple of my students who could not go home for the holiday).  We’ll eat too much, probably talk too much and definitely won’t say I love you enough, but we’ll all be together, and that is enough.

3) My job.  I love what I do.  And I know how rare that is.

4) My schedule.  I love that I had this week off from work.  It has given me a chance to really destress and appreciate other aspects of my life.  I love that I don’t have to worry about Monday morning every week (Monday afternoon class perhaps, but that is totally different).  And I love that I have a semester break that will last five (count em five) weeks.  This makes the prospect of having a child at 39/40 so much more realistic and doable. 

5)  My friends.  Although they are dying, I have flowers from one of my best friends, sent solely because I called to tell her about the miscarriage and my day from hell.  I have friends to hang out with, friends to gossip with, and friends to support me.  Some of them are old friends, some new, but all are special. 

So, there it is – a brief list, obviously understating all the good things in my life.  I hope that you all can find some of the many reasons you have to be thankful this year.  Sometimes it is more difficult to find those things, but they’re always there, lurking behind the bad stuff.  So, take a close look and give thanks for what you do have.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Starting at the beginning…

Approximately four and half weeks ago, I started what I thought was my period, which has been pretty darn regular my whole life.  Once the bleeding continued past day five, I started to be concerned.  Once it continued past day seven, I got a little scared.  After searching the internet over the weekend while waiting to get a Drs. appointment, I had pretty much convinced myself that I was either (1) going through early menopause or (2) suffering from endrometriosis.  When I got in to see the doctor (on day 10 of bleeding), and he asked if I could be pregnant, I scoffed at him.  Not that I was trying not to get pregnant.  My husband and I had decided in August that we would simply stop trying to avoid it and “see what happened.”  Frankly, I was convinced I was infertile from all my coffee drinking and my age (39).  And my husband was not thrilled at the prospect of fertility treatment, being afraid of the multiple birth scenario.  So, with no pressure, we just stopped trying to NOT have a baby.  But, this bleeding had started only a few days before I should have got my period and I would KNOW I was pregnant, right? 

WRONG!  The test came back positive.  That started what I might consider one of the worst days of my life.  My husband had just left on a two week business trip, I was in a relatively new city where I didn’t know very many people, I had a new doctor and a new health insurance.  My doctor was, in a word, incredible.  It was totally luck of the draw, as I had to pick a doctor that had availability that day, and he was available, but I really feel like God had his hand in this one.  He immediately sent me to the hospital for an HCG (hormone count) blood test and an ultrasound to “see what we could see”.  He was very comforting and very positive.  I pretty much knew that the bleeding could not be a good sign and I was in a state of shock, so I was crying incessantly and felt horrible.  I called my husband who was thrilled to hear I was pregnant, and didn’t really understand why I was upset.  He’s a bit clueless, loving but clueless.  I told him it was probably a miscarriage and he said, “well, let’s look at the bright side, at least we know you can get pregnant.”  To which I responded internally, “yeah, and have miscarriages.”  But, I tried to play along…

The blood test wasn’t bad, but the ultrasound was awful.  Again, I felt like God was there with me -the nurse who came in to “observe” was very kind and held my hand and told me it would be okay.  She gave me a hug on my way out, after I cried through the whole thing.  I wish I would have got her name so I couldhave sent her a card.  But, I didn’t.  I just hope she knows what a difference she made for me.

I returned to my doctor after that and found out that the HCG count was only 92, which is pretty darned low.  He said it was most likely a miscarriage, but that I should get another HCG three days later to make sure the number was going down.  So, I did and it was 64.  So, definitely a miscarriage.  On that day, he asked if I had got my blood type when I was at the hospital, saying “we need to make sure you are not RH negative, but I’m sure you’re not – its pretty rare.”  So, he went and checked and sure enough, I am O-, so I had to then go get a Rhogam shot.  It was all very stressful and depressing and just plain unnerving.  But, it was over…for the most part.

It is now day 24 and I still have spotting.  My husband is finally back at home (after two and a half weeks) and we’re going to the OB-Gyn on the 29th to get “pregnancy counseling”.  I never really talked to a doctor about getting pregnant because I was scared of being told I was infertile and then having to decide on whether fertility treatments or adoption or what was really appropriate.  It just seemed easier not to talk about it and not to know.  So, facing up to the questions (why did you wait until 39 to have kids?  are you really ready for this?  won’t you be tired?) is going to be a little tough.  But, at least its all out in the open now.

So, when I started looking for information on later-in-life pregnancies, I didn’t find a whole lot.  I found a lot of people who had babies late in life after having others (I myself was a later-in-life baby, eight years after my closest sibling and thirteen years after the first), but not very many who were going through it their FIRST time.  So, I’m hoping this blog can help someone else.  I plan to follow my progression over the next - well who knows how long? – of figuring out the aftermath of this miscarriage and the steps to trying to get pregnant and have my FIRST baby at what may be 40. 

I hope that someone who reads this can find the information they need!  I am starting at the beginning.  Let’s all hope for a happy ending.